Friday, July 21, 2006

Happy Racism Time

For those of you (I think I am standing strong at 3 readers now) who occasionally tune into this site for my wondrous (though somewhat dated) accounts and visually stunning photograph of my New Zealand trip, I apologize. This post will be the angry ranting of an angry man ranting angry angry rants angrily. A post concluding the New Zealand trip, while in the works, will have to wait. I have a some steam to blow.

I want to preface with a forethought. I oftentimes get vexed with foreigners who work in this country that wax on about how superior their country is and how "fucked up"[sic] Japan is. Don't get me wrong, I love my country, and I by no means fall into the camp of whose special kids who clutch steadfast to their manga and proclaim the superiority of the Japanese. I still choose Superman over Ultraman. Part of the experience that I have opted to enjoy for a second year is, however, to experience a different way of life.

All this being said, let me get to the matter at hand. Today I took a driving test for my Japanese license. Now before anyone goes into the subtle gray area of "Shelala lefts" and "observing the speed limit," let me say I know how I drive. I am from New York, and if that does not come through in either my accent or the fact that I proudly proclaim that the wheel, jello, democracy, chess, electricity, Finland, etc. were all indeed created/discovered or founded in Brooklyn (Isaac Newton may have invented the calculus in Britain, but he him self was in fact the son of Borough Presdent Joey Newton who clearly passed along his intellect. He was also pretty sick at basketball - also invented in Brooklyn) my driving remains as the most compelling evidence of my hometown.

Still, mamma didn't raise no fool, and if there is one thing we New Yorkers do better than everything else, it's beat the system.

Before I go on, there is something else that needs to be noted about the infamous Japanese driving test - apparently foreigners, as a rule fail is the first time around. In the months before my road test, I heard horror stories from every single licensed driver that I know, from a bunch of different countries, each storyteller ending with the "BS reason" why they were failed.

Here's the kicker, not one reason mentioned can be found ANYWHERE in the driving manual that is given to English speakers.

Back to my plan to beat the house. For the past month or so, I spoke to a few friends and compiled a list of "Stupid reasons that people failed." When all was said and done, I ended up with around fifty tips and failing points. My plan was simple. After reading the book, I would go to the course early (here the tests are done at a closed course, not the open road) MEMORIZE the track, and visualize driving it with all the stupid failing points in mind. Just for edification on what constitutes a "stupid failing point" according to the people I spoke to, here are a few:

1) Failure to look under the car for babies or cats prior to entering the car. (I swear to God I am not making this up)
2) Failure to accelerate to 40 kph on a straight way (apparently this driver made it to 38.... Close but no cigar)
3) Indicating earlier than 3 meters (threeee shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the counting shall be threeee...)
4) Failure to prepare to change lanes using the correct order of actions (nb: the 'correct' order is as follows:
i) look in rearview mirror
ii) look in sideview mirrors
iii) turn on indicator
iv) look in sideview mirrors
v) drift towards the edge of your lane with a close eye on the lane you want to merge to
vi) look in sideview mirrors
vii) change lanes
viii) turn indicator off

Apparently my friend made the mistake of turning on his indicator before looking in his mirrors. On the open road, who knows how many lives that may have jeopardized.

I would not even presume to criticize the strange abundance in steps to change lanes. Again, if that's what they want to teach, then more power to them - but to fail a man who completed the necessary steps but merely signaled first is ludicrous.

Speaking of ludicrous, I do indeed hope that you all can appreciate the absurdity that after being legally permitted to drive in the country for one year on an international license, we all have to line up and subsequently fail a road test. How could you be sure that I am capable to drive in Japan? Well, for one thing, I have been driving since I was sixteen, and I have been doing it in Japan with no incident for a year now. I suppose that is irrelevant though.

All of this brings me to today, 12:00 PM as I prepared to take my road test (after scoring perfectly on the insultingly simple written test, mind you.) The tester steps our of the test car and greets me.

Tester: "Where are you from?"*
Me : "America."
Tester: "Oh, are you going to be ok driving on the left side of the road?"*
(Note: He has already inspected my paperwork and acknowledged that I have been living in Japan and driving on an international driving permit - on the left side of the road - for one year now)
Me: "Yes"*
Tester: "You know, in Japan, you have to follow the Japanese driving rules, not the American ones."*
Me: "I understand.*

* All in Japanese. Yes, despite the fact that I have been living here for a year, and speak this man's language, he feels the need to ensure that I know he only sees me as a foreigner who is going to do things wrong.

I hope you'll allow me a momentary segue here (as though you have the choice.) Before I continue, I should first define a Japanese term that this instructor and many people insist on using.

Gaijin (g-jn): A shortened version of gaikokujin, literally meaning "outside person." A foreigner. SYN: ALIEN, immigrant, stranger, outsider.

This label is used DAILY to describe myself and the other English teachers and residents from abroad. Now I know in America, if people started referring to visitors or people immigrating as any one of the above terms, it would most assuredly be considered derogatory. This is mainly because it is. I can understand the occasional need to refer to a collective group as foreigners, you understand, but to go so far as to label someone with the nickname "outside person" daily is pretty terrible. This point really hit home today as I will continue to describe.

So, after imparting his sagacity to the ignorant gaijin that in Japan I have to follow the Japanese road rules, not the American ones, we approached the car. From the start, I began running through the course and my checklist. I checked under the car for babies or cats, made my adjustments, and set off.

I completed the course, flawlessly. Every single little item on my mental checklist was well met. I returned the car to the starting point, thanked the driver using the proper honorific "thank you," and returned to the waiting area.

Now, I don't want to give you the wrong impression. I was in no way cocky or overconfident. My heart was pounding through my shirt. I knew from the moment I met the driver, he already had his impression formed on us damn dirty gaijin. I hoped sincerely that he would prove me wrong, that I was just being paranoid and over sensitive after hearing all the horror stories and that wicked word for the past 363 days. Alas, sometimes it's not fun to be right.

The driver called me up to the window and explained that I failed. Then, in a manner that seemed to strain his imagination, he explained the reason which i will now add to the list I created so that I can pass it on to Joycie who will take (and fail) the test next month.

Tester: "When you turned right, while you did first move your car to the far right of your lane, I felt you could have moved it further. Also, your left front tire was not at the proper angle for an efficient turn."

I was seething. First off, I couldn't get a clear explanation on what "the proper angle for an efficient turn" is. I asked the tester, and he referred me to the text (which is roughly 100 pages, none of which come close to mentioning anything about tire angling or efficient turns.)

I apologize. One more interruption to make an observation; all of this is taking place at window number 16 at the driving test center. Hanging over window 16 is a sign saying "Foreign applicants." Now, it should be understood that no body in the driving center speaks anything other than Japanese (or if they do, they are not public about it). All paperwork I filled out was in Japanese, and required me to fill in information in Japanese. When I phoned to make my appointment, they told me that with the exception of the written test, everything is Japanese, and if this is going to be a problem, I am responsible to bring my own translator. The written test is bilingual and everyone receives the same test.

Also, as policy, they only allow 4 "gaijin" test takers per day.

So, same bilingual test. Instruction and paperwork in Japanese. The license I am applying for is not a specialized license but the same one Japanese citizens apply for. I am one in a group of 4 people that will be visiting the Licensing Center today. One must wonder, what necessitates a segregated window? Since all the paperwork is the same, and I am applying for the same license, why wouldn't they group all four of us with the rest of the applicants? I suppose four is a tedious number.

While this is all floating around my head, the tester executes the final "screw the damn gaijin" combo. Apparently, after an initial failure they will not reschedule you for another 8 weeks, which is fortunate because it is more than enough time for those who did not pass the test to find time to take their three day driving course (only costs $300). I guess that it is strangely comforting that discrimination is not the only motive here. There is also a money angle. After all, why pass me after only collecting the $50 test fee when they can get me to take the class and then charge me another $50 to test again? $400 bucks per gaijin? Not too shabby.

Of course, there s always the "screw the man, I'm not taking the class" approach. A friend of mine tried that. He took the test 3 times. 3 times they asked if he took the class. 3 times he answered "no." They finally passed him the 4th time. I suppose they were content with only scamming him out of $200. He managed to save himself some money, but imagine how much time this can end up taking (by the way, we also have to use our vacation days at work each time we test. Be sure to factor that into the "losses" category of your calculations.)

As the tester handed me back my paperwork, and the information on the school, he smiled. "Don't worry, no body passes the first time."

After getting home I spoke to nearly every Japanese friend I made in the past year. They all passed the first time. Not even one failed. That tester must be permanently stationed at window 16, from which he is drawing his statistical analysis on the pass rates.

So I sit here, 2 days before my international permit expires, without a license for the summer. Apparently although I live here, pay taxes, support this country's economy, work for their government, and teach their children, I am as ever an outsider.

A gaijin.